I woke up the other day terrified of going to work.
For the first time since I got my new job I woke up thinking that I have to go back to “the grind”. I had been stressed. I needed to move out of my house, get my things to my mom’s storage 2 hours away, get things for my long summer trip and I also needed to finish strong at my job. There were too many things going on and not enough time to get them done. This was the perfect storm that allowed for my heart to feel anxiety and feelings of insufficiency to creep up. All of those things blinded me from seeing all the really good things that I have.
Allow me to complain just a bit.
I am a perfectionist. When something is off, even just a bit, it bothers the heck out of me. Well, that translates to work as well. My latest job is in software development for a small product development company named Valormill. Well, I am very bad at my job. Coding is hard, and the learning is difficult too. We are in the middle of my first big project, yet I have to leave for the summer to be in Europe for some family and friend events, including a wedding.
My desire was to finish the project strong at work, so that I could leave the team well prepared for the next project. But as the time of my departure neared, the project just seemed to extend. This bothered me. I was going to fail the goal that was set for me by my boss, as well as the goal that I set for myself.
This piled on top of the fact that I was trying to make a personal app and I failed to do that one as well. And I am also trying to build this blog, and be consistent at it. Along with moving and planning a three-month-long trip, it was just too much. I felt so incapable.
Blind to all of the good things.
In my life I have had so much opportunity.
I am so grateful that I have the boss that I have. He has low expectations of me. Not that he expects little of me, but rather, that he understands that I am a beginner. And he treats me like a beginner. He is encouraging every step of the way, and he celebrates every milestone. He is a patient teacher and a great leader. Yet, the weeks leading to my trip I was completely blind to this.
When I confessed to him that I felt like I failed him, he responded in the same usual way of his. To my surprise he invited everyone I work with to send me off with a nice lunch! Not only that, but he is also letting me work from abroad to work as much as I can. He even talked about giving me a raise when I come back.
At some point I told him, “Trigg, you are such a Christ-like person. What gives you the right to be so Christ-like?” He said “Jesus!” We were joking. But it’s true. I am so blessed to work alongside a man that models Christ-like character. Especially when he himself has also been going through stressful times at work and at home. He continues to demonstrate the love of Jesus to everyone around him, including me. It was this love that brought things back into good perspective.
Even more good things to see.
In one of our conversations, my boss was telling me “Wow Raul, you’re going on the trip of a lifetime!” And he paused, and said “Well, for you it’s not the trip of a lifetime!” He’s right. For me this is not the trip of a lifetime. I have done this twice before, yet I get to live the trip of a lifetime again!
All the stress that I had been going through was because I wanted to deliver and I felt behind. I was blinded by the things that were right in front of me. Too much focus was devoted to the storm of things to do, and the lack of time to do them. All of a sudden the difficult things in my life piled up and I couldn’t see beyond them.
But the truth is that I get to go on this amazing trip. I will get to go back to Europe to see all of the great people that I know! I have so much content write for this blog. I’m excited that I will have time in my trip to write. There’s sure to be even more stories that I will experience that I can share here too. And thank God that my boss is letting me go in spite of all of these things that didn’t get done. I am so blessed.
Our life is the trip of a lifetime.
I am so blessed! Am I rich? not at all! Yet, God has provided plenty of opportunities in my life to enjoy some really amazing things. I am just so grateful.
For abut two months I was dreading going to work because I thought “I can’t get this done in time.” I thought “I’m not good enough.” I lost sight of what was good in my lif, I lost sight of the things that I enjoy, and I lost sight of where I was going. But this life is full of goodness, and it is necessary that we find a way to look for the good. We only get this life once. We can’t afford not to live it to the fullest.
This blog isn’t me telling you what you can do to have a more blessed life. By no means am I telling you how to enjoy your life more. I am not innocent to think that everyone’s life is perfect, or even that everyone has the same opportunities that I have had. But we all can lose clarity sometimes. We all know what it’s like to get caught in a moment and lose sight of what matters.
When Clarity comes, hang on to it.
In first chapter of his book Waking The Dead, John Eldredge talks about a lack of clarity in a dangerous situation. He shares of a time when he was flying in a small aircraft in a storm and running out of fuel over a mountain range in Alaska. He confesses of his stress and anger triggered by fear. Then all of a sudden clarity is brought to him and the crew when the clouds part and reveal the beautiful landscape below. Eldredge explains the joy that comes in having clarity.
Clarity is hard to come by, but when clarity comes, everything that didn’t make sense suddenly makes sense. When clarity comes we understand what we didn’t understand. I missed something and I was sad, angry and frustrated. But clarity came and now I’m excited for what I get to do and for the good that I have around me. I guess what I really mean is that clarity doesn’t come by often, so whenever it does come, grasp it, and don’t let it go.
As I am writing this I am sitting in a hostel in Istanbul, Turkey. I have a friend coming to pick me up so we can explore the city. I have a bottle of Soju given to me by my roommate from South Korea, and I had a short but fun conversation with a very lovely girl from Belgium.
It’s all going to be OK.
Ps. This will be my last post for the summer. Love you all! See you soon!
